I wish my emotions were not as complex as it is. I wish I could loosen the knot on my throat and heart that has been there for something called eternity and just accept all the love and care you offer with ease. But it is just too much for me to take. I wish I could explain what I exactly feel and why I tend to abruptly push you away from my life. I wish I could explain it is nothing to do with you, and yet everything to do with you. I wish I could stop those swings of feelings, from moment of valuing you dearly to that moment of complete devaluation.
I am certain that many people hate me for my irrational behavior, rude and probably manipulative as well, ultimately crashing away the entire base for our relationship; especially friends and to be more precise, close friends. But to be honest, it hurts me too. I understand that I am responsible for jeopardizing the colorful bond we shared together. But at the same time, holding on to that bond is as much difficult for me. And the worst part is, the reason is not very clear to me either. It somehow suffocates me, after sometime when I see a text popping on my phone or when the phone vibrates. That is where what you see as ‘ignoring’ but is ‘avoidance’ for me. I have no other option but to sink into that dark cold isolation. And weirdly, I feel much safe there.
I might appear to be the most selfish and self-centered person and it is true in many ways. Because again, I am making it sound like I am the only person suffering a mental illness, moreover a personality disorder which is often said to be very complex; Borderline Personality Disorder. But this is my truth. And every day is a genuine struggle for me. If you see it as if I am blaming my illness for all my action and behavior, well I don’t want to deny it either. It is me after all. And at this point, I have no other choice but to accept how I am. Because I still don’t have a clear sense of ‘Who I Am’.
All I can do is apologize which obviously is so very difficult for me do it in person. I can’t settle my drifting mind, the numbness of my body and the pumping heart, let alone find words to deliver. Yes, Karma is certainly finding its way to me, for the chronic emptiness I feel every day and which makes it so difficult a task just to wake up in the morning. But that is the life of a Borderline Personality Disorder; my inevitable reality.
KC is a freelance writer.
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